[Love In Lines] Is It Only True Love When It Hurts? – Vanessa Tai

Getting hurt is an inevitable part of the dating process, but Vanessa Tai refuses to waste any more time on relationships that are fueled by unnecessary pain. Read on to find out what she means.

After several friends recommended it to me, I finally got round to reading the suspense novel Gone Girl, written by Gillian Flynn. Without giving too much away, the book traces the marriage of Nick and Amy, especially the events that take place before and after Amy’s sudden disappearance on their 5th wedding anniversary. Beyond just being a crime thriller though, I believe the book serves as a commentary on romantic relationships, in particular, toxic ones. There was a particularly poignant part of the book that leapt out at me.

“… The woman knew me cold. Better than anyone in the world, she knew me. All this time I’d thought we were strangers, and it turned out we knew each other intuitively, in our bones, in our blood.

It was kind of romantic.
Catastrophically romantic.”

While the toxicity of Nick and Amy’s relationship is taken to the extremes, I’m sure we all know of couples who seem to be perpetually at each other’s throats, whose relationships seem to thrive on mind games and spiteful fights. The book made me think – are there those among us who crave drama in our relationships?

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

Admittedly, I was definitely guilty of perpetuating malice in previous relationships. Simply put, I was quite the shit stirrer. I knew the precise words and actions that would hurt the other person, and would exploit his weak points whenever I felt attacked or vulnerable myself. Needless to say, it was a destructive cycle of us always trying to “out-hurt” the other. At this point, you’ll probably ask, “Why stay on in such a relationship?” On hindsight, I think it was a combination of many things. With each barbed attack, it chipped away at my self-esteem and I started to believe the worst in myself, and that nobody else will be able to accept someone like me. From there, a sort of Stockholm Syndrome emerged. I started to believe my partner was the only one who “gets” me, especially since he has seen me at my most cruel. Like Nick in Gone Girl, he believes that Amy is the only one who has the ability to bring out his absolute best and worst. If he were to be with any other “normal” woman, it would be a mediocre relationship as he wouldn’t be forced to outmaneuver her at every step of the way.

Yes, it sounds extreme, and most people will probably dismiss people who crave drama in relationships as crazy. However, you probably have to admit that, at some level, most of us believe that true love hurts. If it doesn’t grieve you in some way or at some point, or if it’s constantly smooth-sailing, you may start to wonder, “What’s the catch?”

I Don’t Want No Drama

While I agree love IS bittersweet (when you open yourself up to be vulnerable to another person, it’s inevitable you’ll get hurt), I don’t think pain should be the fuel that keeps a romance going. As I get older and slightly more experienced, I’m learning to distinguish between destructive, soul-destroying anguish from the “normal” pains of dating. Let me cite an example: say the guy I’m dating hasn’t contacted me in days. In my previous toxic relationships – the ones that thrived on drama and mind games – this period of zero contact could be his way of “punishing” me for some “transgression” I did, and I would spend the time agonising just what I did and how I can get back at him for making me feel this way. These days, however, I prefer simply picking up the phone to find out if everything’s okay.

In the book The Fault In Our Stars, one of the characters says, “You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world … but you do have some say in who hurts you.” I’ll like to add another line to this quote, “You also get to choose what kind of hurt you go through.” My point is: love is always going to hurt. However, if the pain stems from you being unable to trust the other person fully or because you’re locked in some warped battle of wits, then you probably want to ask yourself honestly if this is what you want in the long term. Some people probably believe such mind games make the relationship seem more exciting or “alive”, but to me, it is way too exhausting to be sustainable.

Right now, I can say I’m done with mind games; in fact, I’m done with any sort of games when it comes to dating. Please give me 100 percent honesty, any day.

Love In Lines is a special under the Relationship section of Material World. The four founders each takes a week in a month to talk about dealing with love from different perspectives. Founder Vanessa Tai talks about navigating the often-confusing world of singledom. Stay tuned for more!

About The Author: Vanessa Tai is a founder of Material World who has previously worked on magazines Simply Her and Cosmopolitan Singapore. Now a freelance writer and a full-time contributor to this website, the 27-year-old dreams of attending every single major music festival before she turns 30. Follow her on Twitter @VannTaiTweets.

The 8 Escape Routes From A Bad Date – Matthew Fam

Bad dates can be an excruciating affair to endure, but some of us may feel bad for being straightforward with him over our lack of interest. Be it due to non-existent chemistry of having little in common, or him possessing a deal breaker trait (bad body odour anyone?), escape routes are sometimes the necessary evil to put a premature end to an otherwise terrible occasion. Save yourself the trouble with these 8 ways. 

Wishing someone’s call would be the perfect excuse for you to leave?

1. The Emergency Call
To nail this date-terminating smokescreen, have a trusted friend call you in the event of a meeting gone sour. When a date turns unbearable, discreetly send her a text to call you. Upon receiving the lifesaver call, pretend that an urgent matter has sprung up which requires your immediate attention (tip: saying ‘my [insert family member] just got admitted to a hospital’ is probably not the best excuse). The grand exit follows.

 

 

2. The Friendzone
This is the dreaded phrase that all men loathe. To enforce its power, casually mention during your date how it’s great to be making new friends and networking- he should be getting the hint that you have no romantic intentions from this outing. Can’t take a hint? Then try being a little more forward by telling him that you’re not looking for love. Who knows? A romantically unmatched pair may make great platonic friends instead.

3. Gross Him Out On Purpose
Not many people enjoy making themselves look bad in front of others, but desperate times call for desperate measures. It could be as simple as personifying the very trait that he doesn’t like in potential partners, for example, being high-maintenance (this is where you have to listen well during conversation). But take care not to overdo it- you want to put up subtle signs to ward him off, not make a fool of yourself.

 

4. The Cramps Card
Sure, it’s no laughing matter to be having your monthly cramps, but when a disaster date looms, a little white lie couldn’t hurt right? It’s time to unleash that inner Secondary School Drama CCA diva and whip out those acting chops for this stunt to be pulled off successfully.

 

You’ll have to do better than that to convince him.

5. Fake a Food Allergy
In this last-ditch effort to relieve yourself from date torture, you need to find anything you ate in your dish, whether its nuts or seafood, that could warrant a full-scale allergic reaction.

Allergies can activate as quickly as a few minutes after ingestion, so you don’t need to worry about timing your staged itch too soon. First, make a remark about having ingested some allergy-causing ingredients. Next, endure Mr. Boring for another 10 minutes before you start itching. A little acting would certainly go a long way (note: the trick lies in not over-exaggerating. It’s not the bubonic plague you’re feigning!)

6. Go Dutch 
For some reason, several men seem to think that paying for your date is an entitlement for him to expect a second one from you or a romantic advance (uhh… WRONG??). To prevent unwanted future disturbance, pay for your share of the meal to ensure that he can’t use this excuse against you.

And remember: repeated messages from him post-date on why you aren’t unto him counts as harassment. You have every right to inform him that his advances are not welcomed!

7. Let Him Blabber
We all know that people love talking about themselves, right? So latch onto this perfect opportunity- let him drone on in the event you find yourself scrapping the bottom of the barrel for conversation topics (hmm, nice weather we’ve been having lately). A good starter is to ask him all about his job, and let the conversation go on idle auto-pilot. This way, you’d spare him the ego-crushing defeat of a deathly silence between you two.

8. The Sleeping Beauty
You tell him that you’re dead tired from a strenuous day at work, when really, not even a double espresso could save you from this snoozefest of a date. Here’s where it gets tricky: if he’s a complete stalker and insists on seeing you again, avoid him altogether. Feeling shy? Being upfront via text in a non face-to-face meeting makes it less awkward to express your disinterest.

 

So, how do you get yourself out of a bad date? Share with us in the comments section below!

About the Author: Matthew Fam is a contributing writer of Material World, and has worked at Cosmopolitan Singapore as an intern and Contributing Beauty Assistant. He writes, teaches, and performs for the stage. Matthew enjoys museum visits, Singaporean Theatre, and spends too much of his undergraduate allowance on magazines.

if you enjoyed this post, you might like:

1. How To Get Date-Ready In Under 5 Minutes – Vanessa Tai

2. 10 Must-Know Ways He’ll Never Be Boyfriend Material – Matthew Fam

3. [Love In Lines] When You Don’t Have Time For Love – Tan Lili

[Love In Lines] How To Know If You’re Falling In Love – Vanessa Tai

Call it infatuation, lust, puppy love, or whatever you want. According to Vanessa Tai, the first few flutterings of love is possibly one of the best feelings of the human experience.

Although I often say I’ve never been in love, I have to confess that’s not entirely true. I do know what it’s like to start falling for somebody, but for a myriad of reasons, I always end up putting a stopper on my feelings. Now that I’m older (and hopefully wiser), I want to stop holding myself back and finally give in to the giddy exhilaration of falling in love.

Disclaimer: This list is particular only to me, but I believe you may find some common traits!

1. You behave differently around him

At work and with friends, the side of me people usually interact with is the straight-talking, strong and independent business owner. But when I’m with a guy I’m falling in love with, a forgotten side of me seems to make more regular appearances. I listen more than I talk, and for some reason, my voice and mannerisms become softer. It’s most peculiar.

2. You get off your high horse

When I am not in love, my mind tends to be more pragmatic. I would express derision toward people who make (what I deem to be) poor decisions because of love. For example, I had a friend who gave up a prestigious overseas scholarship because she didn’t want to be away from her boyfriend. Non-in love me thought it was a waste and a bad decision, career-wise. However, in-love me will be more likely to understand how difficult it is to be apart from someone you love so deeply.

3. You feel safe with the other person

When you first start dating someone new, you’re both feeling each other out and trying to establish a connection. Both of you are slowly letting down your guards and inviting the other person into your inner thoughts. It’s scary, but also invigorating.

Sadly, it doesn’t always pan out. Sometimes he may discover something about you that causes him to back off (and vice versa).

But you know you’re falling in love when you feel safe enough to reveal your deepest insecurities … and he replies with utmost sincerity, “You are perfect as you are.”

4. Everything suddenly seems extra romantic

Like many women, I’ve always had a soft spot for romantic comedies. But when I’m falling in love, EVERY LITTLE THING seems romantic. Random love song on radio? Speaks directly to me! Random news story about couples who’ve been married for years? True love exists afterall! Random thing that reminds me of the guy I’m falling in love with? It’s a sign that we’re meant to be! And so on. It’s nauseating … but also very normal.

5. You write lists like these.

Need I say more?

Love In Lines is a special under the Relationship section of Material World. The four founders each takes a week in a month to talk about dealing with love from different perspectives. Founder Vanessa Tai talks about navigating the often-confusing world of singledom. Stay tuned for more!

About The Author: Vanessa Tai is a founder of Material World who has previously worked on magazines Simply Her and Cosmopolitan Singapore. Now a freelance writer and a full-time contributor to this website, the 27-year-old dreams of attending every single major music festival before she turns 30. Follow her on Twitter @VannTaiTweets.

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[Love In Lines] Being Vulnerable In Love – Vanessa Tai

When it comes to love, it can be downright scary to strip away your protective layers and bare your soul to another person. This is why Vanessa Tai is especially cautious about who she entrusts her heart with. 

In one of my earliest Love In Lines posts, I wrote about how I used to avoid emotional entanglement as much as possible because of a perennial fear of getting hurt. Vulnerability is terrifying because there always seems to be a lingering possibility of rejection. Nothing scares me more than being honest about my feelings and having a door slammed in my face. However, in recent months, I’ve been slowly inching my way around the fortifications that surround my heart and exploring this  “falling in love” thing.

Yes, it is safe behind these walls, but it is also boring and lonely. As painful as failed relationships can be, the high of being with someone you like is almost magical. And right now, I think I’m going to continue chasing this high.

Of course, I’m not about to throw myself straight into the fray and hand my heart to the first available person. There needs to be a certain level of mutual trust first. In other words, we need to be discerning about who we open up to. While we may never know with 100 percent certainty that the person we love will be careful with our hearts, here are a couple of ways to gauge:

Is he really listening?

When you try to talk to him, does he make a concerted effort to listen to what you’re saying? Or does he keep trying to tell you what he thinks? Or worse, does he invalidate your feelings and make you feel ashamed?

As much as your judgment may be cloudy from lust/infatuation (don’t worry, we’ve all been there), try to take an objective look at your relationship and listen to your gut. The crucial question we should always ask ourselves is, “Do I feel safe opening up to him?”

Is he authentic with you?

In order for a relationship to work, both parties need to be willing to let their guard down and share themselves openly with the other. We need to give each other a safe space where we can open up about our feelings without the fear of being judged or dismissed.

And no, it doesn’t count if he opens up to you only when he’s intoxicated. I was once in a situation like this, and was driving myself crazy with confusion and misery. Then, fellow co-founder Denise said something to me that made everything so much clearer. She said, “If the guy was really in touch with himself, he wouldn’t be that far off from his drunk self. If he is unwilling to open up to you when he’s sober, that’s a problem and you don’t want to be involved in that.”

At the end of the day, it’s important we remember that vulnerability is not about being weak. In fact, it’s a generous act of courage. The knowledge that someone intimately knows the messiness of your mind and sees you at your ugliest yet still loves you wholeheartedly … I reckon that is an incredible experience that we all deserve to have in this life.

Love In Lines is a special under the Relationship section of Material World. The four founders each takes a week in a month to talk about dealing with love from different perspectives. Founder Vanessa Tai talks about navigating the often-confusing world of singledom. Stay tuned for more!

About The Author: Vanessa Tai is a founder of Material World who has previously worked on magazines Simply Her and Cosmopolitan Singapore. Now a freelance writer and a full-time contributor to this website, the 26-year-old dreams of attending every single major music festival before she turns 30. 

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10 Must-Know Ways He’ll Never Be Boyfriend Material – Matthew Fam

Is he into you? Is he not? And if he is, does he only see you as a one night stand? The madness ends NOW. Whether you’re dealing with someone out of your league, a playboy or complete sleazeball creep, the telltale signs are undeniable. Here, the 10 must-know ways he isn’t boyfriend material.

1. The Picture Sender
Rule of thumb: if a guy is totally into you, he’d want to share as much of his life as possible. This means sending snaps of anything under the Sun- his new haircut, the new GoPro camera he’s tricked out with, or even a meal that he whipped up (pssst… your cue to suggest a dinner date!) On the flipside, if your Whatsapp media folder has been flatlining, you know he’s a real dud.

Shut up now.

2. Emoji Overload
And just when you thought emoticons were bad enough. Emojis teeter on the date-defining line between adorable and totally nauseating. So imagine if your sweetie signs off each and. Every. Single. One of his texts with a parade of monkey faces. You’re dating a man- not babysitting a teenage kid.

3. Hanky Panky
Touch is essential for intimacy, no doubt. But having it five steps ahead of the game gives the impression that he’s only in it for your lady bits.

Signs to look out for instead? Eye contact, mimicking of body postures, and his pelvic region facing you (sounds insane, but seriously). Sometimes, subtlety does it.

4. The Phantom Menace
Text. Flirt. Disappear. Repeat.  Sound familiar? Unless you’re settling for a flirtationship, you should find a chap who won’t string you along. Perhaps you could switch things up and make him the one to wait instead! Just remember: no crazy text spamming or instant replies that scream ‘psycho girlfriend’.

5.When the ‘L’ word is said FAR too soon
According to this article, men take 88 days on average to say ‘I love you’ to their girlfriends. And over 39% of those surveyed take the verbal plunge during the first month of their relationship. While this isn’t a compulsory guide, it should give you a fair gauge if your man is just saying romantic mush to appease you.

6. Payment In Kind
Let’s get one thing straight: him paying for your date is NOT an excuse for a free pass at you. And you absolutely shouldn’t feel obliged to entertain his advances. I mean, hello?? It drives home the message that you’re a commodity to be bought… and ain’t nobody got time for that!

7. Repeat Offender
Now, this technique requires some next-level snooping skills (and a sliiight breach of his privacy… just don’t get caught!) If the way he treated his past girlfriends fall into a pattern- same breakup excuse, same bad habits- you know he’s not likely to change his spots anytime soon!

Total. Deal. Breaker.

8. When He Secretly Films You During Sex!
Ever wanted to be a YouTube celebrity? Well, the only kind of internet sensation you DON’T want to be is this!

Sure, sex is supposed to be fun, but this here is a major deal breaker. Aside from having a total lack of respect, recording lewd acts without consent is just way too creepy. Spot a suspicious red dot floating in the darkness of his room? Congratulations- you now have liberty to go apesh*t on his MacBook.

9. Phone Fiddler
We’re all guilty of the occasional phone checking- even during dates. But if he’s busier than a Bangalore call centre, dump the dude. Actions speak volumes, so if he can’t even commit that little bit of time for you, what more a longer-term relationship? If text replying is a must (could it be that he’s chatting up other ladies too??), how about having a 5-minute timeout instead?

10. Bad Body Odour
Deodorant; cologne; instruct man to scrub pits with Clorox… Or seriously, just don’t go out with him.

So, how do YOU judge if someone is boyfriend material? Share with us in the comments section below!

 

About the Author: Matthew Fam is a contributing writer of Material World, and has worked at Cosmopolitan Singapore as an intern and Contributing Beauty Assistant. He writes, teaches, and performs for the stage. Matthew enjoys museum visits, Singaporean Theatre, and spends too much of his undergraduate allowance on magazines.

 

If you liked this post, you might also like:

1. The 8 Times You’re A Total Biatch Without Knowing It – Matthew Fam

2. [Love In Lines] Why You Should Date Widely – Vanessa Tai

3. [Love In Lines] Is It Acceptable To Flirt When You’re Attached? – Tan Lili

[Love In Lines] Why You Should Date Widely – Vanessa Tai

Dating several people at the same time can actually help you learn a ton about yourself, says resident single girl Vanessa. 

In my previous edition of Love In Lines, I mentioned I would be writing about why it’s important to date widely. However, as much as I advocate meeting as many people as possible, I also feel like a bit of a hypocrite telling you this. Why?

Because dating is hard.

It’s not easy to put on your game face again and again, answering the same questions about yourself again and again, only for things to fizzle out after a couple of dates. (Trust me, I know.) Yet, time and again, I force myself to put myself out there and go on dates with different guys. Here’s why:

1. It builds up your dating confidence

Going out with someone new is always going to be a little awkward, especially if you don’t know each other that well. There’s a constant worry that you’ll hate each other at first sight or worse, run out of things to say to each other. However, like everything else, dating takes practice. By going out with many different people, your conversational skills will be polished and you’ll be able to better read situations. For example, when I first started casual dating in earnest, I couldn’t quite let go of being stridently independent and “in control” of the situation. So when this guy offered his arm for support during our date (I was limping due to a sprained ankle), I brushed him off abruptly. On other occasions, I would natter on endlessly because I was worried about awkward silences.

These days, however, I’m way more relaxed when meeting new people. I’m happy to take a backseat when it comes to conversations and I don’t turn down gestures of chivalry anymore. I still need to work on accepting compliments more graciously though …

2. It gives you a better idea of what you’re looking for

I know most people have some sort of a checklist in their minds about the type of person they want to be with. Myself included. The funny thing is, the more people you meet, the more you realise there are plenty of “must-haves” that you can actually do without. Or, there may be certain traits that you never realised you can’t tolerate until you actually encounter them. What I’m trying to say is, by exposing yourself to more people, you’re able to better understand yourself and make a more informed decision about who you want to date exclusively. This brings me to my final point …

3. It makes exclusivity that much more special

Not sure if you’ve noticed but monogamous relationships seem to be going out of fashion. People these days prefer to “hang out” with several different people instead of dating just one person. While there are no official statistics for the local dating scene, a recent State of Dating in America report indicated that almost 69 percent of those surveyed were at least “somewhat confused about whether an outing with someone they’re interested in was in fact a date or not.” You can blame it on our increasingly individualistic culture or an evolving set of priorities but the fact is, “going steady” is no longer de rigueur. Which is why it makes it even more special when you meet someone you want to date exclusively and plan for your future together.

Convinced yet? If you’ve been single for a while, take this post as the sign you’ve been waiting for to get back in the game!

Love In Lines is a special under the Relationship section of Material World. The four founders each takes a week in a month to talk about dealing with love from different perspectives. Founder Vanessa Tai talks about navigating the often-confusing world of singledom. Stay tuned for more!

About The Author: Vanessa Tai is a founder of Material World who has previously worked on magazines Simply Her and Cosmopolitan Singapore. Now a freelance writer and a full-time contributor to this website, the 26-year-old dreams of attending every single major music festival before she turns 30. 

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4. [Love In Lines] Deadline For Love

 

 

6 Scandalous Things You Must Know About Sexting – Matthew Fam

The sexting revolution is upon us all. With in-built cameras becoming the norm for gadgets and online dating applications aplenty, connecting has become so instant. Enter rallies of kinky text messages, and the hotly debated sexy snap. Ultimately, it’s one’s prerogative to send a dirty picture of herself. In the case you do, take note of these tips:

Do you really want to be sending intimate snaps of yourself?

Why you absolutely shouldn’t do it:

1. Unwanted Appearances
When you release an intimate image to someone, you’re at his mercy. So, you either trust that your chat partner doesn’t circulate these potentially embarrassing shots, or don’t send them at all.

As of late, there have been Tumblr pages dedicated to these raunchy shots- most of which containing reader-submitted images without the subject’s consent. Unless you derive a thrill from exhibitionism, you don’t want to be making an unwanted appearance! Even if you manage to contact the web administrator to take them down, chances are, other people have already seen it within that window of time (and had the chance to save it for future distribution).

If the possibility of this happening totally freaks you out, don’t risk it- especially to a total stranger.

Uhh, I don’t think he’d be deleting those photos anytime soon…

 

2. The Psycho Ex-Boyfriend
You know those tacky Channel 8 serial drama episodes, where a crazy ex-lover threatens to release compromising photos in a fit of revenge? You get the drift. Yes, as if sexting strangers was bad enough, sending dirty pictures to your loved ones may also pose a problem.

Who’s to say that when things get sour between you two, he’ll be respecting your intimate snaps sent over the course of your relationship? Have a matured discussion over such sensitive material (I don’t recommend “Delete my photos. NOW!!”) without any hair pulling, kicked groins or screaming.

 

3. The Awkwardness Of It All!
Careers have been ruined over the tarnishing of professional images. Think Christopher Lee, that Craigslist congressman from New York who resigned over an exposed shirtless snap.

Considering how small Singapore is and inter-connected our social circles are, one innocent photo share can wreck your reputation. A good girl friend of mine showed a dirty snap of an ex who happened to be our mutual friend. Awkward. As. HELL. Now, I can’t look at said person in the eye without his merchandise seared across my mind, thank you very much.

Really want to do it? Then heed these tips:

4. Discretion, darling.
Fine. So you have a bangin’ bod that you absolutely have to show him, because not flaunting all those hours at the gym is criminal. By all means, snap away. (And make sure you get an eye candy of a shot in return!) But for the love of humanity, please exercise discretion.

If you intend to send your sexy snaps over, protect yourself by making them as anonymous as possible. You may strategically crop off your head, or reveal sections of yourself instead. Download censoring applications such as PhotoCensor Free to keep any unwanted bits blurred, such as a background that might easily identify yourself. Plus, it’s a great way to tease him without compromising all of your modesty.

Snapchat was MADE for sexting.

5. Snapchat Is For Sexting
Sorry, I’m totally calling dibs on this: Snapchat is for sexting. It’s a smart way to send your dirty pictures without leaving behind any tracks. What’s special with this chat application is its photo-sending function. You get to set an amount of time (ranging from 1 to 10 seconds) in which the recipient sees your photo before the dirty evidence gets destroyed. Plus, you will be alerted if your pervy chat partner decides to sneak in a screenshot. Seriously. Does this not reek of sexting potential??

What if he wants it and you don’t?

6. (Sometimes) Good Girls Finish First
Don’t send it if you don’t want to. This may sound like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how the pressure to comply and feel desired can be.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with standing firm in what you believe in, even if it means a strict, no-sexting, no-dirty-anything rule.  You have control over your body. And if he insists that you send a dirty snap, he’s probably not worth your time in the first place. Ignore him and move on: girl friend, you are better than that.

At the end of the day, if you choose to sext, rock it out. Feel great in your own skin and be effing fabulous. Be responsible with who you send your snaps to and fire away!

So, what do YOU think about sexting? Share with us in the comments section!

About the Author: Matthew Fam is a contributing writer of Material World, and has worked at Cosmopolitan Singapore as an intern and freelancer. He writes, teaches, and performs for the stage. Matthew enjoys museum visits, origami, and is passionate about Singaporean Theatre.

 

If you liked this post, you might also like:

1. [Infographic] 10 Ways To Be F**king Awesome – Tan Lili

2. [Love In Lines] Do You Give Good Text? – Vanessa Tai

3. [Love In Lines] 4 Awesome Things About Being In a Long-Distance Relationship – Denise Li

[Love In Lines] How To Enjoy Yourself At A Dating Event – Vanessa Tai

Dating events can be corny at best and cringe-inducing at worst. But that’s only if you go with a negative mindset. Vanessa was recently invited to Dating Fest 2014’s School of Love, and she shares how you can have a good time even within a matchmaking setup. 

I admit, I was feeling a little apprehensive before attending this event. Blind dates are awkward enough as it is; imagine multiplying that awkwardness by potentially hundreds of people! Plus, because this was an event organised by the Social Development Network (SDN), it made me think it would be a staid and boring affair.

Boy, was I mistaken.

Entertainment courtesy of local theater folk.

When I stepped into the Orchard Hotel ballroom where the event was held, I was immediately greeted by bright lights and friendly ushers, who showed me to my seat. The tables were set up Chinese wedding banquet-style, with men and women in alternate seating. I took my seat, put on a big smile, and prepared to make small talk with the other people at my table. You know how weddings can be a tad awkward when you’re seated with a group of strangers? Thankfully, this event was punctuated with witty banter from the energetic host Chua Enlai, and skits from Hossan Leong and friends. In fact, I was so engrossed with some of the performances that I forgot to chit-chat with the people at my table. Oops.

But, no matter. Because the highlight of the event was the mass speed dating segment, which took up a good 70 minutes. It works this way – every seven minutes, a bell would ring and the men from one table would move on to the next table. That way, you’re meeting at least three to four members of the opposite sex every seven minutes. It was during the speed dating segment where I gleaned the most tips on how to make the most of what could have been a contrived setup.

1. Be Positive

To be fair, most of the people I met seemed to be genuinely friendly and upbeat. Having a big smile on your face and being interested in whatever the other person has to say goes a long way in having a good conversation. However, there were a couple of guys I met who were a serious buzzkill. There was this guy who started complaining about the event the minute he sat down at our table. The first on his list of complaints? There was no alcohol served. (Okay, fair enough. I, too, thought it would have been nice if each participant could have one or two glasses of wine to loosen up any tensions.) But then he went on and on about how the setup was too rigid, and how the event was not properly thought out, which I thought was unfair. He was making everybody at the table uncomfortable with his rants, so I said, “Maybe you can send your feedback to the organisers?”

He said, “Yeah I already have. Midway through the event.” Okaaaaayyy. 

Then there was this other guy who threw this question at everyone at the table, “Do you really think you’ll find true love here?” After some of the other participants gave a couple of diplomatic replies about how it’s always good to make new friends, I returned his question, “Do YOU think you’ll find true love here?”

He shook his head and said dismissively, “Nah. I mean, I want to, but I don’t think I’ll strike lottery here.” Okaaaaayyy. 

Like everything in life, if you’re going to participate with a defeatist mindset, the battle is already lost. Yes, the event may not be up to your expectations. Yes, you may not have found what you were searching for. But that doesn’t mean you pull a long face and throw a fit. Why not try and have fun instead?

Participants having a good time at the School of Love!

2. Have An Interesting Story (Or Two) Ready

When it comes to speed dating, you’re trying to give people a good impression of yourself, and every minute counts. It’s almost like a sales pitch, really. Even if you think you’re a boring person with an uninteresting life, surely there are one or two things that you enjoy or are good at. When you talk about something that you genuinely delight in, the excitement in your voice will rub off on the person you’re talking to.

There were a couple of people I met that day who gave monotonous replies to questions, and conversation with them was challenging to say the least. For example, here’s a conversation I overheard.

Him: “So what are some of your hobbies?”

Her: “Running.”

(Silence)

Maybe she wasn’t interested or maybe she was just shy. But a good conversation is all about give and take. Read this post on how you can have great conversations with just about anybody.

3. Be Polite

It’s funny how this even has to be one of the points. But sadly, some of the guys I met that day are still lacking in basic courtesy and social graces. One of them was scanning the crowd even as he talked to us, as if to always have his eye out for someone better. And when another male participant mentioned he worked in an environment with a lot of women, this same guy blurted out, “What’s wrong with the women there, then? Why are you here?”

You may not be the most good-looking, charming or eloquent person in the room, but if you’re polite and friendly, people will naturally gravitate towards you. For example, there was this guy at my table who was smiley and was always helping to dish food for me. While he wasn’t the type of guy that I would usually go for, I agreed to contact him after the event because I thought he was a nice enough guy for me to be friends with. (And I have! We’ve exchanged a couple of emails since.)

At the end of the day, every situation is as good or as bad as you make it out to be. While dating events may not be your “ideal” way of meeting a mate, if you’ve already decided to put yourself out there, why not make the best of it? Smile, be friendly, and be open to possibilities … just see where it’ll take you! 

For a full list of SDN events and services, click here. 

Love In Lines is a special under the Relationship section of Material World. The four founders each takes a week in a month to talk about dealing with love from different perspectives. Founder Vanessa Tai talks about navigating the often-confusing world of singledom. Stay tuned for more!

About The Author: Vanessa Tai is a founder of Material World who has previously worked on magazines Simply Her and Cosmopolitan Singapore. Now a freelance writer and a full-time contributor to this website, the 26-year-old dreams of attending every single major music festival before she turns 30. 

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[Love In Lines] What’s The Fuss About Tinder? – Vanessa Tai

Tinder is a hot new dating app, and it’s looking to change the face of Internet dating. But is it all it’s cracked up to be? 

I was recently having drinks with fellow Material World co-founders Denise and Lili, when Denise asked me, “Hey, so have you heard of Tinder?” I must have given her a blank stare because she continued excitedly, “It’s this new dating app, but how it works is quite different. Basically, you’re shown profiles of the people within a set distance from you. And because your Tinder account is connected to your Facebook account, it accesses pictures from your Facebook page. If you like what you see, you swipe right. And if you don’t, just swipe left.”

Hmm, interesting. So it’s kind of like playing Hot or Not with a huge pool of strangers. (Well, they aren’t really strangers, since some of these people may be on your Facebook friends’ network.) And c’mon, let’s admit it. Don’t we all secretly play Hot or Not in our minds when we’re out socialising? No? Just me?

Anyway, I was intrigued enough to download and play around with the app that very evening. Here’s my verdict:

1.  It’s so simple

Unlike other dating sites or applications that require you to fill in long questionnaires about your personality, or where you have to sift through hundreds of “I’m juz a simple guy” profiles, Tinder cuts through all the crap to show you what’s most pertinent – how the other person looks. And it’s not about being shallow either. After all, in face-to-face social interactions, the first thing we notice about the other person is their appearance. Yes, of course it can be argued that in real-life interactions, we may look past the person’s looks if he/she is funny or interesting to talk to. But hey, if everyone had the time to go out and meet people, would we still be on Tinder?

2. There’s less risk of rejection 

Although it’s hardly a taboo for women to make the first move anymore, we gotta admit it still stings a little when you “wink” or “wave” at a potential mate, and don’t receive a reply. Or worse, if you crafted a witty and thoughtful message, only to receive … stone cold silence. With Tinder, you’re only taken to the instant messaging feature if both of you swiped to the right. That way, at least both of you are already mildly interested. In the spirit of full disclosure, I only got matched with two guys during my one hour of fiddling around with Tinder, but we didn’t message each other in the end. (My excuse? It was 2am. I couldn’t think of anything more witty than a “Hi,” so I decided to roll over and sleep instead. Very romantic, I know.)

3. It eliminates the creep factor

Any woman who’s put herself out there on dating sites will know the horrors that lurk on the interwebs. From obscene pictures to persistent messaging, there are some really creepy men out there. I like the fact that on Tinder, the only people who get to message me are people I’ve already sort of “approved”. As an added security measure, you get to see if you have any mutual friends with the dude before swiping right or left. In fact, there were a couple of guys I thought were cute but because they were mutual friends with people I don’t really care to associate with, I swiped left instead.

“Hmm … cute or not?”

4. It’s mindless fun 

Because you’re just swiping right and left, it becomes like a game that you whip out any time you have a few spare moments. I downloaded the app onto my iPad, which I hardly bring out with me, so I don’t check in much. But for people who have it on their phones, it becomes something they do to pass time. In fact, some articles indicate that the average user checks the app 11 times per day for seven minutes at a time!

5. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, Tinder probably won’t work for you.

As fun and convenient Tinder is, it’s definitely not the best platform for those looking for a serious relationship. I mean, yes, you could be one of those exceptional cases where you meet the guy offline, hit it off, fall in love, the whole works. But this “swipe, swipe, swipe” style of browsing through potential mates feels more like an online shopping experience than an earnest search for a life partner. I guess Tinder is a nice-to-have tool for our hook-up culture. That said, like a casual hook-up, it’s fun and stress-free but ultimately not very fulfilling.

What are your experiences like with Internet dating? Share with us in the Comments section below or Tweet me at @VannTaiTweets! 

Love In Lines is a special under the Relationship section of Material World. The four founders each takes a week in a month to talk about dealing with love from different perspectives. Founder Vanessa Tai talks about navigating the often-confusing world of singledom. Stay tuned for more!

About The Author: Vanessa Tai is a founder of Material World who has previously worked on magazines Simply Her and Cosmopolitan Singapore. Now a freelance writer and a full-time contributor to this website, the 26-year-old dreams of attending every single major music festival before she turns 30. 

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5. [Love In Lines] Choosing Not To Worry

[Love In Lines] To Thine Own Self Be True – Vanessa Tai

Recently, I read an xoJane article where the writer tried to figure out exactly why she’s been single for the past seven years. Some of the reasons she thought contributed to her long-term singleness included being an “open and self-deprecating book on first dates” (she would bring up her weird clubbed thumbs, or her dependence on anti-depressants ), a propensity for falling for men who weren’t attracted to her, and even the fact that she was overweight. “However”, she writes, “If my weight truly is playing a preventative part in this dating shitshow, it’s probably not the number itself or how it looks on my frame. It’s the insecurity that has come with not feeling I look my personal best.”

In her article, the writer also mulled over whether she should make any changes to her lifestyle/personality in order to get out of this dry spell. While she’s not sure if the reasons she cited in her article are truly the reason why she’s still single, she’s adamant about not deviating from her natural self just so she can appear attractive to someone she’s attracted to.

Misguided Dating Advice 

What I felt like doing to that douchebag date.

I can certainly relate. Over the years of being single, I’ve come across plenty of (well-meaning or not) people who tried to give me advice on how to better attract the opposite sex. A male dating coach that I interviewed for a story told me I needed to grow out my hair, and behave more feminine-like in order to be attractive to Singaporean men. Another time, I had a disastrous first date with a guy I met online simply because I “made the mistake” of telling him I’m a supporter of AWARE’s work. He went on an anti-feminist tirade, which only got my blood boiling and sparked off a rather heated argument in the middle of P.S Cafe. Needless to say, I quickly wrote both of them out of my life (only to use as fodder for articles like these).

Singletons, perhaps you’ve experienced something similar? Maybe your well-meaning friends have advised you to play down your career achievements when out with men, or your mum has nagged you to lose weight “or you’ll never find a man”. Whatever it is, you’ve been made to feel you’re either “too much” or “too little”, and that you have to work hard to achieve the affections of a man.

Do We Really Have to Change Ourselves In Order To Snag A Man?

My first instinct would be to say, “No, of course not!” Why should you change something that’s so fundamentally you just to get someone to love you? If you change, and that person falls for you, does that mean he’s in love with someone that’s not authentically you? And what happens if you “fall off the bandwagon”, so to speak?

However, as I wrestle further with the issue, I realise it’s not so cut and dry. First, it’s not that easy to effect a change. As someone who’s tried to change the way I speak (I’ve been told that my voice is too low and monotonous), I can tell you it’s easy to fall back into old habits when you’re not consciously making an effort to change. Second, even if you really make a permanent change, there’s no guarantee that men will suddenly come a-knocking. And third, even if they do; if they fell for the quieter, more gentle and feminine version of you, are these really the type of men that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Don’t you want to be with a man who celebrates your true self, foibles and all?

Stay True To Yourself

Let your true self shine!

At the end of the day, the crux of the matter doesn’t lie in why you’re making these changes, but the type of changes you’re trying to make. If you’re trying to improve yourself by exercising more, attending a personal grooming course or learning how to be a better conversationalist, I guess it doesn’t matter as much if your original intention was to snag a potential mate. That’s because you are bettering yourself in the process, which helps to boost your self-confidence.

But what if you’re making changes like dumbing yourself down during dates so as to pander to your date’s ego, or if you find yourself suppressing “negative” emotions like sadness or anger around men so as not to appear “unstable”? I think you’ll soon find yourself tired and frustrated, because you’re not giving your true self the freedom of expression. Even if you eventually find a partner to settle down with, how long can you keep up this charade? And even if you can keep it up, how happy will you be?

Perhaps I’m idealistic. Or perhaps I’m still on the lackadaisical “take it as it comes” side of my 20s. But I don’t see myself making drastic changes to my personality and the way I do things just so it’ll get me more suitors. Men will come and go, but I’ll always have to live with myself, and I don’t think I can settle for anything less than honesty.

Love In Lines is a special under the Relationship section of Material World. The four founders each takes a week in a month to talk about dealing with love from different perspectives. Founder Vanessa Tai talks about navigating the often-confusing world of singledom. Stay tuned for more!

About The Author: Vanessa Tai is a founder of Material World who has previously worked on magazines Simply Her and Cosmopolitan Singapore. Now a freelance writer and a full-time contributor to this website, the 26-year-old dreams of attending every single major music festival before she turns 30. Follow her on Twitter @VannTaiTweets.

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[Love In Lines] Choosing Not To Worry – Vanessa Tai

In a world where seemingly every other person is married or coupled-up, my long-term single status is a source of curiosity for many. Over the years, I’ve had to field questions ranging from, “Don’t you get randy?”to “Aren’t you worried you’re never going to find someone?”

While I always try to deflect these questions – it’s nobody’s business anyway – they never fail to make me take a closer look at my single “situation”. My official party line is that I enjoy my freedom, and it’s true. I’ve never felt sad or incomplete simply because of my relationship status, but when such questions pop up, it makes me wonder if I’m in denial or burying my feelings.

Why do I say that? Because, while I’ve never felt sorry for myself for being single, there are times where I do miss the perks of being in a relationship. Some things I miss include having someone who gets all my jokes, having someone to go on non-awkward dates with (first dates are such a pain), and basically just someone who has my back, whom I can trust implicitly.

However, these are just occasional “relationship pangs”, and it’s never been a strong enough impetus for me to get serious about finding a boyfriend. I’m not someone who aggressively goes on dates or dating events in the hope of meeting someone. Call me naïve or a hopeless romantic, but I believe in letting nature run its course. Some people believe in “making your own luck”, and approach their love life the same way they would a career – strategically, and with goals clearly mapped out. For me, I’ve always believed in spontaneity, whether in life or love. Too much planning and plotting can take the fun out of the whole experience.

But that’s just me. If you’re someone who believes “dating is just a numbers game”, and that the more people you meet, the higher your chance of meeting someone, then by all means go ahead. In fact, there was a dating consultant in Singapore who openly shared how she went for over 80 first dates before she met her husband-to-be! (Then again, you also have people who marry their first loves, and are no less blissful.)

Whatever it is, I still firmly believe we shouldn’t be viewing marriage as an “end-goal”. For too long, we’ve been schooled that our lives should look a certain way (graduate -> date around -> get married -> have kids). But life is too capricious for us to follow any set templates. Isn’t it infinitely more liberating to take life as it comes, and enjoy every moment, instead of worrying about something that may/may not happen?

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” – Oscar Wilde 

Love In Lines is a special under the Relationship section of Material World. The four founders each takes a week in a month to talk about dealing with love from different perspectives. Founder Vanessa Tai talks about navigating the often-confusing world of singledom. Stay tuned for more!

About The Author: Vanessa Tai is a founder of Material World who has previously worked on magazines Simply Her and Cosmopolitan Singapore. Now a freelance writer and a full-time contributor to this website, the 26-year-old dreams of attending every single major music festival before she turns 30. Follow her on Twitter @VannTaiTweets.

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[Love In Lines] Deadline For Love – Vanessa Tai

Recently, a good friend of mine told me she had just signed up for a package at a dating agency. While I know she’s always planned to get married and have kids, I was surprised that she was taking such active steps to get there. Why now, I asked. She says she plans to get into a serious relationship by next year and hopefully be married by the following year.

“Wow, isn’t that putting a lot of pressure on yourself?”

In response, she said, “With a deadline in mind, it will motivate me take more decisive actions instead of dragging my feet on matters of the heart.”

After we parted ways, I started thinking about what my friend said. Was she right, I wondered. After all, in all other areas of our lives, we map out clear goals and plans to reach said goals … why not for love? Was I being naive to think that love would find us, and not the other way round? But I guess what she’s doing makes sense for her, especially since she knows for certainty that she wants to have children.

We just need to know where to find it.

According to Dr Elaine Loh, a resident physician at Dr Tan and Partners, “fertility rates decrease with a woman’s increasing age and starts reducing rapidly in women over 35. There is a variety of reasons for this, including a decrease in egg quality and decline in sexual activity.” In addition, studies have shown that as age increases, the risks of other disorders that may adversely affect fertility such as fibroids, tubal disease and endometriosis also increase.

Sounds grim right?

But what about those among us who know we don’t want kids, or are still unsure? And surely we shouldn’t be getting into a relationship simply because of a ticking biological clock! However, even if you know that being a mother is not your thing, it’s still undeniable that most, if not all of us would like somebody we can return home to, someone who makes our lives that much brighter.

I guess there’s nothing wrong with setting goals and drawing up a game plan to get yourself into a relationship. As my friend said, it puts you in a state of mind where you can make more decisive actions. But before we do that, it’ll serve us well to keep the following two things in mind. First, our intention. Are we gunning to get into a relationship because we are hoping for someone to “complete us” or to fulfill our dreams of starting a family? If so, we might want to rethink our intentions. Being in a relationship is not just about what we want; are you willing to work around each other’s needs to reach a happy equilibrium?

Second, we need to remember that goals are not set in stone. Life is unpredictable; what you may have wanted so badly at 16 may be something you can’t even remember at 26. It’s important to always check back and ensure you’re not chasing after an empty goal, a goal that no longer holds any meaning. Perhaps when you were younger, you may have been pressured by the people around you to get into a relationship. But as you grow older, you may discover that you actually prefer being alone. Don’t let guilt or pressure from anyone else cloud your judgment. Only you can know what’s best for you.

Do you think we should set ourselves a deadline for love? Tell me in the Comments section below!

Love In Lines is a special under the Relationship section of Material World. The four founders each takes a week in a month to talk about dealing with love from different perspectives. Founder Vanessa Tai talks about navigating the often-confusing world of singledom. Stay tuned for more!

About The Author: Vanessa Tai is a founder of Material World who has previously worked on magazines Simply Her and Cosmopolitan Singapore. Now a freelance writer and a full-time contributor to this website, the 26-year-old dreams of attending every single major music festival before she turns 30. She suspects she may be a closet hopeless romantic. Follow her on Twitter @VannTaiTweets.

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4. [Love In Lines] Singlehood and Self-Pity