Everybody thinks about it, some people talk about it, yet there is still so much mystery and confusion that surrounds sex. Vanessa reckons we would all be better off if we could all just be adults about it.
When it comes to sex, everybody and their mother has an opinion – you should wait till you’re married, you should only do it if both of you love each other, you should have as much sex as possible before you’re married, and so on. I, too, have an opinion. Ready?
Sex is supposed to be fun!
These days, however, it seems to be shrouded with so many layers of hang-ups, “rules”, and expectations that it’s almost miraculous anyone still bonks. Whether you think you’re having too little or too much sex, there seems to be a constant worry that you’re not conforming to certain standards. I say, who’s to judge what’s normal or not? Going by the annual sexual satisfaction surveys commissioned by Durex, Singapore regularly ranks at the bottom of the table anyway. Don’t let all the statistics, movies or magazine articles (including this one) tell you how much sex you should be having. Only you know yourself best. You know what works best for you.
Sex is not a competition, and it is a very personal decision. Whether you choose to abstain from sex until you’re married or whether you choose to have sex at every opportunity, that’s really your business and no one else’s. You shouldn’t have to feel pressured or guilt-tripped into doing anything you’re not ready to. No one has to know your “magic number” or what you like to get up to in the bedroom (except the person you’re sleeping with, of course).
Here’s what else sex is NOT …
Sex is NOT a weapon
I’ve had friends tell me how they withhold sex from their partners whenever they are angry with him or when they want him to do something for them. Sexual politics baffle me. If the only way you can get your partner to listen is by withholding bedroom action, then I’m sorry to say, you have some serious communication issues. Similarly, if you’re using sex to get what you want in a relationship, that’s also not healthy. If you’re having problems, you’ll need to talk it out like rational adults. Being manipulative about sex will just compound the problem.
Sex is NOT a conquest
Some women may think it’s a form of empowerment to have a different sex partner every week, but we need to be very honest with ourselves. What are you really looking for? If you’re 100 percent certain that sex is truly just a physical act for you, then more power to you. But if you’re looking for sex as a way to validate yourself or to boost your self-esteem, it’s just going to break down eventually. Trying to boost your self-esteem through the approval of others never works. It may take more time and effort but it’s infinitely healthier to build your self-esteem through other means – doing things that you’re good at, helping others out, or even seeking professional help.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, let’s just be honest. With ourselves and with the people that we intend to sleep with. Problems only arise when either party is not open with the other. For example, if both of you claim you’re in this casually but you’re secretly putting out in the hope that he may fall in love with you, you’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak and disappointment later. Before you have sex with someone, you need to be very honest with yourself (and your partner) what is it you’re looking for. If you’re both not on the same page emotionally, it may be wiser to sort through your issues before you have sex.
Of course, I’m not discounting the fact that feelings may change after the deed. Human beings are emotional creatures after all, and sex may give rise to certain buried emotions that you didn’t realise were there. When that happens, you need to have the maturity to decide if you want to have a frank conversation with the person you slept with, or if it’s wiser to move on and find other ways to manage these emotions. Some people may say we wouldn’t have such problems if we abstained from sex altogether, but I respectfully disagree. Problems arise in human relationships all the time, with or without sex in the equation. The more important thing is to tackle these challenges with a rational and levelheaded maturity.
At the end of the day, as long as you stay safe (please use contraceptives) and are always honest with your intentions beforehand, sex shouldn’t be such an emotional minefield. Let’s bring fun back into sex!
About The Author: Vanessa Tai is a founder of Material World who has previously worked on magazines Simply Her and Cosmopolitan Singapore. Now a freelance writer and a full-time contributor to this website, the 26-year-old dreams of attending every single major music festival before she turns 30. Follow her on Twitter @VannTaiTweets.
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