Love In Lines, Relationships

[Love In Lines] Whatever You Have Learnt From Matchmakers Is Wrong – Deborah Tan

Sick and tired of being told you have to be The Right One instead of always trying to look for The One? Deborah Tan says just don’t do either.

puzzle_heart_pieces__jpg_408x395_q85How do you find The One? How do you decide that a person is THE person you’ll marry?

I had asked these questions, and I had wondered the same thing about The One. I had been in the position where I asked my married friends how they got to the stage where they basically made up their minds that their husbands/wives were the people they wanted to build a life with together.

And now, I find myself being asked these same questions too.

Is There Such A Thing As “The One”?
I think many of us see Marriage as the end-goal of being in a relationship, a destination that you and your man work towards getting to. As such, we tend to want to set a clear finish point – The One. Who is The One? How does he look like? What should he be like? What can I do to make sure The One is The Best One For Me?

If you are going to obsess over The One, you shouldn’t, therefore, be surprised to find yourself driven mad by the impossibility of locking down “The One”.

Some women, and men, may go, “No! I absolutely know what I want in a life partner!” But the majority of us will find that what we want is often not what we get. Holding out indefinitely for The One to appear in our lives isn’t the solution because that just means we are missing out on the thrills and spills of going on dates and falling in and out of love.

Just go with the flow. You will find him/her when you do!!

lovequoteHow Do You Become Someone’s The One?
I don’t know. I really don’t. A founder of a popular matchmaking agency in Singapore once told me that it’s not about finding The One – it’s about being The Right One. The idea is that somehow you can carve and shape yourself out to be the ideal mate for someone out there if you work hard at checking all the imaginary boxes on his/her list. It’s ludicrous. First, we all have no idea what other people want. Second, we can’t completely become what other people want without betraying our true nature. Third, why do it?

It doesn’t work. I have tried to be sporty, musically-inclined, adventurous, cool, whatever … to be the person I thought would attract the different guys I was crushing on at different points of my life. It worked as well as taxes on cigarettes trying to stop teenagers from smoking. What worked? I quit trying and just went out with the mentality that I am awesome in my own right and if no one wants a piece of this awesomeness, it’s their loss.

You have probably heard all the cliches before: “Love finds you”, “Let Nature take its course”, “Don’t try too hard”, “Be yourself”. You have probably tried to abide by these “rules” and still have yet found someone whom you can call your own. I’m ashamed to say that my advice isn’t the solution either. I don’t know why some of us are perpetually single, I don’t know why some of us have relationships that never bear fruit, and I don’t know why some of us find Love so easily.

But I do know that being in a relationship, being married, having a boyfriend/girlfriend … does not complete you. Being someone else’s girlfriend doesn’t make you a better person than a single girl. I made this analogy to a friend earlier this month:

“When you go out shopping for a dress, do you pick the dress that is missing a sleeve and calling out to you to ‘complete it’? No! You don’t! You buy the completed dress! Similarly, when someone is looking for a partner, he/she isn’t looking for someone that needs ‘completing’! Be a complete person and stop thinking someone will make you whole. There’s nothing attractive in a dress with a missing sleeve.”

If you feel something’s missing in your life, let me just say this … it’s not another person.

I've been looking for someone like you my whole life!!!

I’ve been looking for someone like you my whole life!!!

Love In Lines is a special under the Relationship section of Material World. The four founders each takes a week in a month to talk about dealing with love from different perspectives. Founder Deborah Tan talks about the trials and tribulations of being newly married. Stay tuned for more!

About The Author: Deborah Tan is a founder of Material World. After 10 years of working in magazines Cleo and Cosmopolitan Singapore, she is now a freelance writer/editor who works on this website full-time. The only thing that is missing in her right now is breakfast. Follow her on Twitter @DebTanTweets.